I seem to have through my own efforts removed or at least alleviated some of the things that have plagued and outraged me about my past. I have overcome areas of guilt and shame and achieved reconciliations. All to the good. But what no one tells you is that when you achieve this you can be left in a void. When you spend your life struggling with certain feelings, fighting not to be overcome by them and then they go there is a sense of teetering on the brink – the resistance is removed. When the anger and anxiety goes so also does the energy and the resistance. You are left with no sense of purpose. The optimistic interpretation is this is the moment when the wind drops and the rain ceases; it is the moment before you lift your head and see the view; the pessimistic is that there is nothing to see, that in fact it is only abrasion that makes one exist, without it there is merely a void. That’s how it feels this morning, no sense of balance, no hand rail to hold on to, no definition. If the writing was/is about coping what does it become if there is nothing to cope with? But then there is to cope with is this sense of nothing to cope with, the vertiginous, of having to keep my balance while the clouds hopefully clear.
Anyway I love this picture
Not sure why. It’s an advert for plumbed in bathrooms. I guess the man is visiting his mistress? Is he presenting her with the bath and the flowers. Is he delighted she has got a bath? Is she telling him he needs to take a bath? Is this the left side of the brain visiting the right. Anyway I really like it – makes me feel good. Not entirely sure what that says about me!